I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
