The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
