she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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