the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
