Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
