If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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