i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
