i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
