My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I love you. Go after that dick
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
