So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
