if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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