I cannot find my penis.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
