my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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