and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
My hand turned me down
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
