you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize