she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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