6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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