Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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