i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
