sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
