She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
