i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
