Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
