i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
