I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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