How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
