remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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