Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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