I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
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