At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
