I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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