The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
