I murdered the dance floor call the cops
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
