why didn't you poke me back
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
