believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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