this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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