every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
