haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize