It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Randomize
