who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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