Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
