There was a lot of him and a little penis
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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