i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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