I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
