i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
