Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Randomize
