I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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