all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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