I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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