ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
