jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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