happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
