Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
