1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
